Three Personal Priorities to Recenter My Mind
I'm at the point in my life where I need to figure out what's important to me. I can wax lyrical all day about spirituality, I can stand on my soapbox and proselytize about my political views, but at the end of the day I don't know what matters to me personally.
After a strenuous fight with mental illness, thinking about what was important to me felt too much like false hope. I didn't want to make the mistake of putting my energy where I couldn't follow it. Even now, so many possibilities just feel completely out of reach, things which I feel should be attainable at any level of society.
Having a family, taking fun vacations, owning my own home — having a career that's both lucrative and meaningful to me; I worked hard to be able to attain all of these things when I was younger but to be honest now all I have are empty pill bottles. I don't know how to exchange the orange plastic for a future.
Let me try and think in more bite-sized pieces. What small things are important to me? Well, I love looking good! In the last couple years I've gotten really into fashion, and designing my own outfits. Being able to choose the color combinations and accessories that work for me really makes a difference when it comes to my mental health.
It makes my body feel less like a broken down machine and more like a canvas always ready for the newest art project.
I shouldn't be so harsh on my body though, especially when it's carried me so far. Another thing that I pride myself on is my interest in preventative health care, which is to say making the most of every moment And wherever possible making my meals medicinal as well.
There's something incredibly soothing about knowing that the meals I take are overflowing with nutrients and medicinal herbs that work to protect my health as soon as I smell them. It's a beautiful thing to feel well cared for, and an expression of self-love for me.
Finally, having a healthy sexual relationship is important to me. I know I'm supposed to say that a happy, romantic relationship is what I want, that I want to get married to my best friend that sort of thing. But the truth is I'm a very sexual being, and a very sensual woman. Beyond finding a man that is right for me, being in a relationship with a man I am actually sexually compatible with and that I can actually enjoy myself physically with is extremely important.
I don’t know that I could be happy in a relationship where that chemistry didn't exist.
It's hard to explain to people whose sex drives aren't as high as mine, but the best way I can say is that physical touch is one of my primary love languages, and that seeing my partner experience the height of happiness and pleasure is one of the most fulfilling things I can think of. Experiencing it with them is priceless.
So, if this was just an exercise in self-understanding, then at the very least I have pulled three new truths about myself from my mind. #1: Fashion and a sense of color can make my day, #2: Protecting my health through medicinal cooking and self care gives me a sense of purpose and comfort, and #3: Sexual chemistry and healthy sensuality is one of the most important aspects of a relationship for me.
Reminding myself what's important to me returns a sense of individuality and groundedness to a life that has been very trying thus far. As I began to tell myself a few years ago, just because you feel like shit doesn't mean you have to look like shit. Adding on to that now, I would also say just because you felt like Shit a minute before doesn't mean it has to continue into the next.
And as I like to say more recently, small battles one are not insignificant. One hurdle at a time, and listing out a few things that are important to me in a time when I'm very anxious, is certainly an obstacle surmounted.
