Red Roses Still Have Thorns | Romance as an Aesthetic
I've had a love-hate relationship with the idea of romance. For a long time I've known that I was aromantic — after being surrounded by people who seemed to jump from one fling to the next, it didn't take long for me to develop a seeming allergy to the idea of a relationship.
I'm not that in denial about my seemingly innate fear of intimacy as well. A mild one, of course, but difficult to move.
In the past couple years though, I've been asking myself a question: what if romance is less about the attraction you feel initially towards someone you want to date, and more about the commitment to the styles and connectivity of romance itself. What I mean to say is, what if romance is less about who you want to date and more about the environment you create around yourself?
This made romance more approachable. Instead of a game to play, romance became about my own self knowledge, about fashion and interior design, about my favorite recipes and the secret places I like to go when I need some rest from the world.
In fact, in trying to prepare for a romantic relationship I ended up falling down a sort of Stepford Wives rabbit hole at first and from the other side of it I found a version of myself that I not only liked but that could imagine a romance that was fun and lasting.
It's still difficult of course. Instead of swooning when I feel butterflies I immediately look for an exit. I don't even particularly like being approached if I'm not in the mood to speak. So it's baby steps, but we're making progress.
Still, it made me wonder what kind of aesthetic would best prepare me for a romantic relationship?
In my mind, the material foundation of any good relationship should start with a space that is emotionally safe and physically sanitary. it can seem a little bit OCD to others, but if I've learned anything from YouTube it's that housework does not have to be difficult in order to be effective.
So minimizing clutter in my space, getting the most out of storage space, and making sure everything at least has a proper place can take a lot of the stress for me out of preparing to have someone in my space.
Then the next thing that makes sense for me is making this space reflective of my personality and favorite hobbies. Because of my enduring interest in spirituality and art, it only makes sense that my living space and the way that I dress myself would be reflective of the lifestyle that I have. so, vases of flowers and other herbs, paintings and drawings that I've done, books of course, a welcoming interior design theme which for me might be subtly underwater themed, and of course lots of snacks and ingredients for making delicious food.
After that, how I dress and carry myself would come to the forefront. The kind of clothing and makeup styles I would feel most confident in, the jewelry that I like the best (adornments are incredibly necessary in my spiritual opinion), and of course how I take care of my body. Lately I have indulged myself with a regular hair, skin, nails routine to make myself feel beautiful, and though staying hydrated can be a challenge I make sure to give myself everything that I can so that I can feel my best.
Obviously aesthetic alone is not going to sustain a romantic relationship, that I'm aware of. But working on it at the same time I'm gaining self knowledge and fostering self love makes me feel more prepared to make space for someone else in my life because I've worked to be a whole and well rounded person.
As an aromantic person, making myself feel comfortable in a romantic space is super important. As an a romantic person that nevertheless still wants a romantic relationship however, it is on me to make sure that I don't fall into old habits that I know can be detrimental to a healthy relationship.
Finally though, having romance as my aesthetic reminds me that romance is also about commitment and time spent together, so when I make myself ready for romance every day I am reminding myself that it's possible and that every moment can be magical.
